My Story
Disclaimer: This is really long and really served as an outlet for me to get out my thoughts on how God has worked in my life. Kudos to you if you can read the whole thing :)
At the age of 14 my mother decided I was old enough to learn the truth of my father. Out of respect for privacy I am not going to disclose those details but I will say that learning those truths had a profound impact on me as a young teenager. And not in a good way.
As a freshman and sophomore in high school I grew completely apathetic to life and everything that it entailed for me. I didn't try in school because I didn't have to to maintain my 3.5 GPA. I didn't hang out with friends outside of school much because I didn't want to. The only extracurricular that I involved myself in was drama and that was because I could be someone other than who I was. My life was school, drama, and home. I used to listen to music on my headphones and imagine myself on stage performing these songs, being someone other than who I was. I didn't like me. I didn't like me at all.
I did have friends at school and that's where I kept them, school. I didn't let them in any farther than that. Fortunately for me I had a friend who cared enough about me to invite me to church and that one simple invite changed the course of my entire life.
I'll never forget getting in the car that night. I'll never forget anything about that night. I was so nervous about going but for some reason I really wanted to go. Two of the female youth leaders picked me up with my friend and they were so perky! I couldn't stand perky! Two of my other friends from school were in the youth group and that was somewhat comforting. The youth leaders were strange to me though, I'd never seen adults so excited to spend time with teenagers. Service began and we sang some fun songs, played some games, and heard a message. I had never felt so welcome anywhere in my life so I went back the next week. And I've been at LBT for almost ten years now and serve alongside most of my former youth leaders. What a blessing.
Being in church I learned that God had a purpose for my life. I ate that up. I was so eager to find that purpose and to live it. I ended up at Tennessee Temple University where I majored in Women's Ministry and Bible. The first two years were amazing. I LOVED college. I even loved class, I was learning things that I WANTED to learn. I had amazing friends and was learning so much about God and His Word.
I got an amazing internship opportunity in the summer of 2008 (going into JR year). I travelled with LIFT Ministries, where I had actually gone to camp in youth group, as a member of their staff. It was truly one of the greatest experiences of my life and I will always cherish it.
After LIFT I was preparing to return to school in the Fall. Something wasn't right though. I wasn't sure what but I just didn't feel well. I pressed on and returned to Temple and my friends began noticing some troubling behaviors. I stopped eating (other than cereal and ended up in the ER), I was snippy a lot, I didn't want to do anything ever, and my schoolwork was suffering. I began having these emotional ups and downs. I would go from being fine to crying my eyes out or going to my room, locking the door, and throwing anything that I knew would not break against the wall. I was awful to be around. I wanted to sleep all the time. ALL the time. I would have to bargain with myself to get myself out of bed everyday. One morning in October I woke up and began my bargaining routine as usual. There was nothing particularly stressful about the day but for some reason I went into a full blown panic attack. The first one I had ever experienced. I was crying, I couldn't breathe, I was shaking, and I just went back to sleep. I slept all day. My attendance had been so poor that one of my Psychology professors called me in his office to find out what was going on. I told him everything. He sent me to a doctor and I was diagnosed with borderline-severe depression. I began taking medication and I'm still on medication. It worked pretty well at first and then stopped working so they had to change things around a few times. I almost quit school at one point it was so bad. I decided I needed to move back home to finish school.
I could spiritualize the decision and say that I prayed about it and knew that it was what God wanted me to do but that would be lying. I'm sure I told people that along the way and I apologize for that. I left because I was running away. I was done. I wasn't sure why being at home would be different but I had to do something. Upon arriving back in Lexington I began serving in youth ministry and dating a friend from high school (we're now married). I also got a part time job in daycare (still in daycare) and stopped doing some things that I had no business doing in the first place. Things were good again. For a while.
The entire time that I was in youth group and Bible college I still felt like something was missing, or off. I felt my heart being plucked at but I ignored it because I was afraid of what people would think. I needed to be saved. I prayed a prayer, twice in fact, but it never meant anything to me. But I did so much in church and for the Lord that I could not fathom that I was really not saved nor could I stand the thought of what all these people, whom I loved dearly, might think of me. In July (the 18th to be exact) of 2010 I just couldn't take it anymore. I was broken. Completely and utterly broken in a way that only the Son of God could mend. After six years of service in the church I asked Jesus Christ to be my PERSONAL savior. For so long I had been chasing after this grand purpose that God had for my life that I neglected the MAIN purpose that God had for my life and that was to have a personal relationship with Him. I've never been good at relationships of any kind but with God's help I'm getting better :)
Now, almost eight years later, I am married to my best friend and serving in the church that God used to point me to Him and change my life. I've forgiven my earthly Father and am allowing the Heavenly Father to fill that void that he left. I am blessed beyond measure and it is ONLY by the amazing grace of God Almighty. I don't serve Him now because I'm looking for what He has for me. I serve Him now because I love Him so and am so thankful for how He loved me and pursued me despite myself. The whole time I was searching for that grand purpose and it was right in front of my face! Our grandest purpose in this whole life is to simply love our Creator. The Bible says "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.". Love Him first, and all the other stuff will fall into place. In loving Him we will seek Him. In seeking Him, we will find Him. In finding Him, we will find all that we will ever need to find.
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